Rage and Pain
by magstiel9
Summary: Something I imagine about Sam and how he feels towards Castiel, but never said anything, swallowing all the negatives till he can't handle it anymore. Trying to stick to the show and the facts. No homo-erotic subtext! Main cause of the fight - Castiel's words towards Sam of how he is an abomination.


Rage is just a cause from the pain. Rage never comes out of nothing. Rage is not a pure feeling. It's just a way to deal with the pain. And Sam Winchester knew it. And it was ripping him from the inside. It was heaving in his stomach; it was filling his fists with energy that was pressing too hard to his skin wanting to burst out. At the same time the tears and the pain were clenching his throat and he couldn't handle it anymore.

His eyes pinned at the angel sitting on the bed in the motel room. And he hated him. Sam wanted to take his stuff and drive away, far… as far as possible away from this man.

'You are pretending very well.' Castiel said quietly with his gravel voice without looking at Sam.

'I don't want to listen to you' Sam answered with clenched jaw and kept playing with his gun.

Cas stood up and came to Sam's bed.

'I insist on discussing the problem' he reached and placed hand on Sam's shoulder.

Sam frowned and squeezed eyes, pulling away very impolite. He didn't want for Cas to see him like that. But at the same time he wanted to make it clear that Cas hurt him.

'Talk to me Sam' Cas insisted.

'I want you out… now' Sam pronounced heavily, feeling a tear cracking its way between his eyelids. The rage was pushing through him and he was about to do something very stupid. He was afraid he may do something very stupid… but he couldn't take it anymore.

'I don't understand Sam' Cas frowned worried. What was wrong with the younger Winchester?

'DAMN IT CASTIEL' Sam yelled and stood up throwing his gun across the room, smashing it at the opposite wall 'I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND ME… YOU BRINGING ME NOTHING PUT PAIN' he kept yelling more tears streaming out of his eyes. Castiel was staring at him with confusion and concern. 'I WAS SO NAIVE TO TRUST YOU… I WAS SO STUPID TO THINK YOU MAY SOLVE MY PROBLEMS'

'Sam, what have I done?' Cas stood up and stepped close to the upset hunter.

'What have you NOT done, Castiel? You know what… it's all my fault…and I really… really wish I was dead… I really wish Dean never EVER came to save me. He is such an idiot – thinking how would he live without me without thinking how I am going to feel about it'

'Sam I can't follow your thought' Cas squeezed his upper arm again and Sam snatched out.

'YOU HURT ME' Sam yelled and stepped back, slowly losing his mind. 'MY BROTHER SOLD HIS SOUL FOR ME. YOU, THE ANGEL OF THE LORD, RAISED HIM FROM PERDITION AND I WAS THANKFUL TO YOU FOR SAVING HIM.' He silenced for a moment and kept talking quieter 'the moment I met you… Castiel I loved you in many ways. Every moment from then to now you were always part of me one way or another. When Dean hated you… when Dean wasn't able to forgive your sins… I did. Because I've been through this. I've always wanted you with us… with me.' He silenced again and his eyes filled with tears staring at the angel with burning rage 'And then you called me an abomination…' he slid fingers through his own hair and turned around to take a breath. The stone in his stomach was painful and he wanted to drop on his knees and cry it out.

'Oh, Sam…' Cas barely whispered, slowly realizing what he had done.

'IN YOUR EYES I'M NOTHING BUT DIRTY, SINFUL ABOMINATION AND IF I WASN'T DEAN'S BROTHER YOU WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ALREADY KILLED ME' Sam was yelling back at Castiel's face, his own wet with tears, bottom lip trembling, voice breaking. 'I wanted you Castiel… I thought you could see beyond this 'he looked down at his own body and hands as if he was so disgusted by it '… I didn't choose that.'

'Sam it's not like that' Cas was trying to comfort him and every time Sam was pulling away it was hurting him.

'Don't tell me you didn't mean it.' Sam hissed and stared at him with so much pain in his eyes. 'Running after Dean's ass, as if he is the most broken one but he has always been stronger than me… you know that Cas. And when he even wanted to kill you, you still kept being his puppy angel. None of this would have happened, if my brother hadn't sold his damn soul...'

Castiel had no other choice but stand there with lowered head listening to the younger Winchester accusing him and spilling out his soul.

'I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me, I'm sick of being impure and broken in everyone's eyes. And what hurts me the most is that I'm not worth it in your eyes. You were my only hope since the moment I heard about you, and that moment when you showed yourself and squeezed my hand… I swear it was like a sunlight passing through my impure body and soul. I was desperate and I held on you… but I was wrong' he snarled at Cas with clenched jaw through tears 'You had never cared about me as much as I was thinking. I can forgive some of my sins, I can, but I … I would never forgive myself for falling for you in all possible ways.'

Castiel's eyes were filled with tears. He was just now realizing his greatest mistake. Listening and seeing the young Winchester breaking emotionally, knowing he was the cause, was like a cold dagger through his heart. The guilt was growing in him, clenching his stomach. He had made a mistake that he wasn't even aware of, and it had giant consequences.

'I don't want to live like that anymore' Sam shook head, having such a weight on his shoulders 'Leave… Castiel. Having you around hurts more than I can handle.'

'I never meant to hurt you Sam… you are my friend. I've protected you so many times. We can fix everything, just let me try…'

'Nothing will ever fix…' Sam barely pronounced, the last spark of hope flaming out.

And before he could do anything, Castiel's fingers were on his forehead, easing the pain and calming every cell of his body. The clenching pain was sucked, his eyelids closing, his body dropping slowly in the angel's arms. It was almost like a sweet calm death, which Sam thought for very comfortable before he was completely asleep.

'I'm so sorry Sam' Cas sobbed and placed the big man in his bed, pulling the covers over him, moving the hair from his face 'Let it be peace in your dreams' he whispered and placed soft comforting kiss on his forehead.


End file.
